Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Greater Purpose

Growing up was never on my mind and I never took into consideration my greatest purpose. In fact I thought I was a mistake that came 10 years late. I remember M telling me that I'm good for nuttin and "It cum in like demons inna yuh". Now that I think about it maybe I was controlled just a bit by the evil one. However, as I got older, bigger, stronger, greater and mature things of the world began to look, look different. I thought that things would be much more better if I was dark and withdrawn. I was never the type to laugh, smile or be happy and the very first time at church it all changed. I started dancing, singing, clapping my hands,{I was still a sinner at that time}. When it was all over I started reflecting on everything, smiling like crazy, and I saw a girl crossing the road. A van came speeding down on her almost hitting her, my smile vanished and I thought I almost KILLED her. I almost killed her because the first time in my life I had become happy, I pushed myself back into my gloom. I thought ppl wud be safer if I was unhappy. Weird right? But thats what I thought, so I was evil, bitter and depressed. a depressed 13yr old.

Then I thought of a purpose, "What if everything I'm going through is to make me better?" But my negative heart shadowed and rejected all my questions. My mind said my purpose was to DIE, But my soul told me that my heart beats for a purpose, I hurt for a purpose, I cry for a purpose and I bleed for a purpose. I was pushed to change my mind and my heart stop feeling sorry for myself.

THEN I FOUND MY PURPOSE! (finally got baptized at the age of 15).. 3 yrs later I found my purpose. My purpose was to help and mend, the broken hearted and the confused. I lived most of my life in regret, and when I think about it, I was a stupid fool. I said things through the flesh and not my spirit. I spoke before I thought and I hurt a friend, and myself. 
I over exaggerated in my last post, my second relationship was actually really kool, he was the kooliest dude ever. But circumstances, brought problems and as I said I was a fool, a fool in every way and I take the blame. Friend, I'm sorry, I really am, whether you believe or not. I'm no longer in regret of my birth or of my life. Thank you world for the pain and heartache. Thank you for the liars who have come and gone. Thank you for those who have threatened to take my life. Thank you for those who said they would always be there but left. Thank you to M for being in my opinion the cruelest person on earth, but through your lack of love I have found the strength to love you. You made me grow and discover, A GREATER PURPOSE.

Sunday, December 5, 2010

Fragile

"What do you say to a child with a broken heart?". I heard this in Tyler Perry's new play Madea's Big Happy Family and instantly tears came to my eyes. There are only a few times that I cry:

  • When I have to go front of a large group of people
  • When I have mental breakdowns
  • When Aunt flow comes to visit
But the reason I cried was really funny yesterday because I had almost forgotten about this.

During the time that  M and D were still married.  M had a really good guy friend. After the divorce they had gotten even more closer. The thing with adults is that they think that we're stupid, they think that has a kid you don't notice the little things. We act stupid but adults you have another thing coming. He would come over, sometimes stay for dinner and talk to evry1. He brought stuff for the house and the family, helped to fix things around the house and all "those good stuff". He was cool I thought, until he called me his Daughter. I hated it, he wasn't my Dad and I thought he was trying to replace my father. Now here's when things became FRAGILE. 
Not alot of ppl know this lol only one person in this whole world knows other than myself. So blog... its your turn.............
Mr. Nice guy(who we will call NG.) came over one day, had dinner with us and had usual convo with evry1. He partically spent the whole day/night. The day started to die down and M decided to go take a shower. Mr. NG was in her room and he called me, I thought he wanted water/juice or to know what time it was(the usual). However it wasn't like that this time. He decided to make his move on an 11yr old. I was shocked, I didn't know what to do or say. I was frozen, I pulled away but he had a tight grip. Suddenly, the bathroom door opened and he let go, I hurried from the room with my head buried to the ground. Another night he called and I commanded myself not to go. Another night he called but this time as an angry soul and I timidly arose and went. I cried while standing in the room. Nothing could wash away the painful memories, i tried to tell M but she wouldn't listen and I couldnt explain myself. M already thought I was just like F so I wasn't worth listening to. 1 day in the bathroom I began to talk to God, and I remember saying if he touches me again I'm going to tell M. If she wouldn't listen then I would do something about it, so I started "PREPPING" myself.. Evryday I came home from school I would turn the wall into my punching bag. Now where I'm from stoneS are crushed and used in the cement they appear like grits in the wall. I remember punching the wall so hard that I could sometimes see my flesh sitting there and decorating the paint with my blood stains. I was angry and hurt, I didn't want anyone's affection or pity. Even though I felt unloved, I lost F, something was taken away from me and that turned me into a bitter, negative-thinking, low self-esteem soul. Many ppl only look at my smile and where I live and all those POO but none seek to look at my heart or into my eyes.


On the surface of this human being is a beautiful young woman. But beneath my blood, wires and screws. There is a heart that cannot move on. I never wear my emotions on my face and I smile to quench the tears that stain my eyes.


I've had this secret for sooo many years now, I'm still finding the strength to forgive myself, forgive M and Mr. NG. Dont even get me started on love cause home gurl don't know snip about that. There was a time when I never ever evr believed that there was such a thing. Until I found God, but honestly I still having a hard time believing in "Human love", I'll try to love you as a friend, love you as a relative, but come to me with a relationship and I will hurt you, lol. In all my 18yrs, I've only had two relationships and they were hor-ri-ble, I'll get into detail later on. But this is me, I'm more than what meets the eye, so look past MY ILLUSION.