- When I have to go front of a large group of people
- When I have mental breakdowns
- When Aunt flow comes to visit
During the time that M and D were still married. M had a really good guy friend. After the divorce they had gotten even more closer. The thing with adults is that they think that we're stupid, they think that has a kid you don't notice the little things. We act stupid but adults you have another thing coming. He would come over, sometimes stay for dinner and talk to evry1. He brought stuff for the house and the family, helped to fix things around the house and all "those good stuff". He was cool I thought, until he called me his Daughter. I hated it, he wasn't my Dad and I thought he was trying to replace my father. Now here's when things became FRAGILE.
Not alot of ppl know this lol only one person in this whole world knows other than myself. So blog... its your turn.............
Mr. Nice guy(who we will call NG.) came over one day, had dinner with us and had usual convo with evry1. He partically spent the whole day/night. The day started to die down and M decided to go take a shower. Mr. NG was in her room and he called me, I thought he wanted water/juice or to know what time it was(the usual). However it wasn't like that this time. He decided to make his move on an 11yr old. I was shocked, I didn't know what to do or say. I was frozen, I pulled away but he had a tight grip. Suddenly, the bathroom door opened and he let go, I hurried from the room with my head buried to the ground. Another night he called and I commanded myself not to go. Another night he called but this time as an angry soul and I timidly arose and went. I cried while standing in the room. Nothing could wash away the painful memories, i tried to tell M but she wouldn't listen and I couldnt explain myself. M already thought I was just like F so I wasn't worth listening to. 1 day in the bathroom I began to talk to God, and I remember saying if he touches me again I'm going to tell M. If she wouldn't listen then I would do something about it, so I started "PREPPING" myself.. Evryday I came home from school I would turn the wall into my punching bag. Now where I'm from stoneS are crushed and used in the cement they appear like grits in the wall. I remember punching the wall so hard that I could sometimes see my flesh sitting there and decorating the paint with my blood stains. I was angry and hurt, I didn't want anyone's affection or pity. Even though I felt unloved, I lost F, something was taken away from me and that turned me into a bitter, negative-thinking, low self-esteem soul. Many ppl only look at my smile and where I live and all those POO but none seek to look at my heart or into my eyes.
On the surface of this human being is a beautiful young woman. But beneath my blood, wires and screws. There is a heart that cannot move on. I never wear my emotions on my face and I smile to quench the tears that stain my eyes.
I've had this secret for sooo many years now, I'm still finding the strength to forgive myself, forgive M and Mr. NG. Dont even get me started on love cause home gurl don't know snip about that. There was a time when I never ever evr believed that there was such a thing. Until I found God, but honestly I still having a hard time believing in "Human love", I'll try to love you as a friend, love you as a relative, but come to me with a relationship and I will hurt you, lol. In all my 18yrs, I've only had two relationships and they were hor-ri-ble, I'll get into detail later on. But this is me, I'm more than what meets the eye, so look past MY ILLUSION.