Sunday, December 12, 2010

A Greater Purpose

Growing up was never on my mind and I never took into consideration my greatest purpose. In fact I thought I was a mistake that came 10 years late. I remember M telling me that I'm good for nuttin and "It cum in like demons inna yuh". Now that I think about it maybe I was controlled just a bit by the evil one. However, as I got older, bigger, stronger, greater and mature things of the world began to look, look different. I thought that things would be much more better if I was dark and withdrawn. I was never the type to laugh, smile or be happy and the very first time at church it all changed. I started dancing, singing, clapping my hands,{I was still a sinner at that time}. When it was all over I started reflecting on everything, smiling like crazy, and I saw a girl crossing the road. A van came speeding down on her almost hitting her, my smile vanished and I thought I almost KILLED her. I almost killed her because the first time in my life I had become happy, I pushed myself back into my gloom. I thought ppl wud be safer if I was unhappy. Weird right? But thats what I thought, so I was evil, bitter and depressed. a depressed 13yr old.

Then I thought of a purpose, "What if everything I'm going through is to make me better?" But my negative heart shadowed and rejected all my questions. My mind said my purpose was to DIE, But my soul told me that my heart beats for a purpose, I hurt for a purpose, I cry for a purpose and I bleed for a purpose. I was pushed to change my mind and my heart stop feeling sorry for myself.

THEN I FOUND MY PURPOSE! (finally got baptized at the age of 15).. 3 yrs later I found my purpose. My purpose was to help and mend, the broken hearted and the confused. I lived most of my life in regret, and when I think about it, I was a stupid fool. I said things through the flesh and not my spirit. I spoke before I thought and I hurt a friend, and myself. 
I over exaggerated in my last post, my second relationship was actually really kool, he was the kooliest dude ever. But circumstances, brought problems and as I said I was a fool, a fool in every way and I take the blame. Friend, I'm sorry, I really am, whether you believe or not. I'm no longer in regret of my birth or of my life. Thank you world for the pain and heartache. Thank you for the liars who have come and gone. Thank you for those who have threatened to take my life. Thank you for those who said they would always be there but left. Thank you to M for being in my opinion the cruelest person on earth, but through your lack of love I have found the strength to love you. You made me grow and discover, A GREATER PURPOSE.

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